she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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