i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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