I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
