someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
