I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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