we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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