he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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