I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
