i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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