She is in my trunk
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
