i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
