I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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