I didn't shave. On purpose
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
