There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
