someone get that fucking seahorse.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
