So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
