she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
