oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
