I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
