So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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