what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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