When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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