I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
