they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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