we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize