Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
