Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
