Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
