Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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