3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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