If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
