I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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