well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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