how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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