also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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