2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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