i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
