if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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