I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
