Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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