my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
