Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
