yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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