I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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