I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize