Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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