So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
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