I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
