I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
