every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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