Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
