My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
