Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
