Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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