dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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