me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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