We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
