I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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