my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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