So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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