Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize